Bad: You can't find your vibrator. Worse: Your daughter "borrowed" it.

Bad: You find a porn movie in your son's room. Worse: You're in it.

Bad: Your children are sexually active. Worse: With each other.

Bad: Your husband's a crossdresser. Worse: He looks better than you.

Bad: Your son's involved in Satanism. Worse: As a sacrifice.

Bad: Your wife wants a divorce. Worse: She's a lawyer.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: For another woman.

Bad: Your wife's leaving you. Worse: To enter a convent.

Bad: Your wife's arrested for soliciting. Worse: She implicates you.

Good: Hot outdoor sex. Bad: You're arrested. Worse: By your husband.

Good: The postman's early. Bad: He's wearing camouflage and has an AK-47.

Good: The secretary said "yes." Bad: Your wife says "no."

Good: The teacher thinks your son's great. Bad: In bed.

Good: The teacher likes your son. Bad: Sexually. Worse: He's gay.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: So did the postman.

Good: You came home for a quickie. Bad: Your wife walks in.

Good: You get a three-day weekend. Bad: You get the flu on Friday.

Good: You get tickets to the theatre. Bad: It's performance art.

Good: You go to see a strip show. Bad: Your daughter's the headliner.

Good: Your boyfriend's exercising. Bad: So he'll fit in your clothes.

Good: Your car conveniently "runs out of gas." Bad: For real.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your daughter's on the Pill. Bad: She's eleven.

Good: Your neighbor exercises in the nude. Bad: He weighs 350 pounds.

Good: Your son's doing extra credit work. Bad: Making a sex ed video.

Good: Your uncle leaves you a fortune. Bad: It's counterfeit.

Good: Your wife bought a porn video. Bad: Your daughter's the star.

Good: Your wife likes outdoor sex. Bad: You live downtown.

Good: Your wife meets you at the door nude. Bad: She's coming home.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.

Good: Your child's "waiting for Mr. Right". Bad: Your son, that is.

Good: Your wife's kinky. Bad: With the neighbors. Worse: All of them.